So we've driven a Volt since 2011 and it was time to get a new car, and a M3 was the obvious choice. So the gene perpetuation units are now driving the Volt and She Who Must Be Obeyed and I are in a M3P (we were torn between the DM and the P, but better to regret doing something than to regret not doing it). We've had it a month and it's awesome, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda, you've heard it all before.
But paradoxically, the overall excellence of the car really highlights a few rough edges that could be fairly easily addressed. So here, in no particular order, is my Tesla Bitch List.
* It's great that you can now associate keys with driver profiles, but the car could be smarter about figuring out who the driver is. If my wife's phone unlocks the car but she then gets into the passenger seat, it still thinks she's driving. I then get into the driver's seat, tap the brake pedal, and trigger Death Star Detention Level Garbage Masher Mode. One cute way to disambiguate would be using the seat occupancy sensors.
* It's too damn easy to forget your !&#$&*&# phone in the car! I did it just yesterday. SOLUTION: when you are in Park and release the safety belt, pop up a reminder animation to catch your eye, with user-configurable text (effectively, an exit checklist). Mind would remind me to swap out my driving bifocals (I got special ones that have the close focus at screen range) and take the damn phone.
* Better support for home charging. Currently, you can't tell the Tesla "Do NOT under ANY circumstances suck a SINGLE electron during these hours." If you are on a Time-of-Use or Time-of-Use/Demand rate plan, you only want the car to charge during off-peak. The current "start charging at " option is insufficient for several reasons: first, because the car will happily charge through the night and potentially into the morning peak period, and second, because if the M3 is plugged into a charger and you get into the car (say, to retrieve your #&#*&*# phone or swap your bifocals), it'll happily start drawing a couple of kilowatts to run the AC! If that happens at the wrong time and bumps your peak demand, it can cost you an extra $10 on the electric bill. Also, the current 30-minute granularity of start time is too coarse; 10 minutes would be better. You want to start charging just after off-peak starts, not 30 minutes after. The Volt does it right: You configure Summer/Winter/Weekday/Weekend hours plus the changeover dates, and thereafter the car will only charge during off-peak.
* When you're stopped behind someone and they start moving, there's a 2-second delay before the adaptive cruise control starts the M3 moving. I've been told this is a regulatory requirement, but it's definitely impolite to people behind me in the queue. You can override this using the gas pedal and get moving faster, but some way of making this easier and smoother would be nice. Perhaps: you're stopped behind the other car, you roll up the right nipple once, and the M3 engages a "Tractor Beam" and starts moving when they do (along with a sound effect and graphic to remind you it's doing what you asked it to do).
* Speaking of the cruise control, it seems to switch directly from drive to regen when it detects a potential trouble situation. This is most obvious when someone turns into the roadway ahead of you, or with oncoming traffic in a 2-lane road with a curve. It would feel smoother if the car did what humans do in these situations; foot off gas, coast for a couple hundred milliseconds, and see if the situation resolves itself before taking stronger action.
* When Autopilot drives a curve on a secondary (2-lane) road, it will tend to drift a little bit to the outside of the curve. This is fine if it's a leftward curve (in the US), but if it's a rightward curve, it's a drift towards the lane divider. This is the exact opposite of what human drivers do, which is tighten the curve and drive a wee bit more towards the inside edge of the lane -- the direction furthest away from oncoming traffic -- and the result is that it freaks the living crap out of me. I only use AP on 2-lane roads that I know well, and I feel compelled to take over when there is a prominent rightward turn with oncoming traffic because the feeling that it's going to screw up is overwhelming. Moving even 6 inches away from the center track of the lane would have a disproportionate psychological benefits.
* More voice commands. In particular, voice commands for the environmental controls like "Raise temperature 2 degrees" and "Increase fans". These are kind of awkward to do on the display and I'd rather pay attention to driving.
* Better use of the cameras in sentry mode. If recording 3 cameras is the max possible due to USB bandwidth, then try and pick the most relevant 3 cameras. This will be particularly helpful if the Nefarious Window-Stomper starts going after the rear windows.
* Once enhanced summon is working effectively, add "Flock Mode", in which your Tesla tells other nearby Teslas about good parking spaces, and they autonomously repark themselves together for mutual defense. More seriously, if a Telsa triggers Sentry mode, nearby Teslas in Sentry mode should start recording and send the video to the initiating car. Every video of people doing stupid things near a Tesla is marketing gold. Call this "Share and Enjoy" mode.
* ED-209 version of Sentry mode... :) But please, no MagnaVolt Lethal Response.